Editor's Note: This article was written entirely for fun on a Friday afternoon, and should not be taken seriously in any way.
How they will take over the world:
Decide we’re lunch.
Kea parrots (Nestor notabilis) might seem like not much of a threat at first glance … until you realize their beaks are sharp enough to cut through tires, and they’re known for preying on live sheep for the sheep’s fatty deposits above their kidneys. We can only hope the kea parrot never figures out that the way to our fatty deposits is to slash our car tires first so we can’t escape.
Also, they are ridiculously clever. Don't believe us? Watch this clip from the BBC's "Kea: The Smartest Parrot." Watch what they do to that car and see how smart they really are.
How they will take over the world: Face it, they’re smarter than us.
African grey parrots (Psittacus erithacus) can mimic people perfectly, so who’s to say in 50 years they won’t be using our voice-programmed robots to achieve world domination? "But they can only mimic!” you might say. Right. For now. There’s a reason African greys are known for being the Einsteins of the bird world—they’re more than capable of understanding grammar and math and are known for using complete sentences. It’s only a matter of time before they’re mimicking our voices to order one robot to keep watch on us, while the rest of the robots set off for world domination.
In case you don't believe us, here is the late, world-famous Alex the African grey, the subject of Dr. Irene Pepperberg's communication research, speaking.
How they will take over the world: Taking out the power grid.
There’s nothing more cute and loveable than a quaker parrot (Myiopsitta monachus), but naturalized quaker parrots have a habit of building gigantic nests on electrical power transformers. Big deal, you might say, but only a fool would think that. We’re waiting on the day they nest on that one transformer that takes out the power grid, sending us back to the Middle Ages. When they do that, who knows what our new overlords will do to us.
How they will take over the world: Their acrobatic abilities and droppings.
If you have something a lory and lorikeet wants, a lory and lorikeet will have it, and there is nothing you can do about it. Nectar? It’s all theirs. Shiny things? Theirs. Your shirt buttons? Theirs. But they don’t just steal it right in front of your face, they work in teams. One lory or lorikeet will distract you with some cute, acrobatics on your hand or arm while the other steals from you. We’re fully expecting a parade of hopping, dancing lories and lorikeets distracting us while the rest take over the White House. And they’ll defend it too —by spraying lovely, watery, sticky poops to trap us against the pavement and to scare the rest of us off.
How they will take over the world: By complete accident.
There’s one thing that zebra finches (Poephila guttata) like to do: breed. If a few get loose, their numbers would grow exponentially within a few years because they’ll do their best to breed with other finch species. So not only will we be swarmed by an army of zebra finches, we’ll also have to deal with their cute, super-hybrid offspring. To be fair, we might be able to peacefully co-exist with the zebra finches and their hybrid offspring, but they will outnumber us a billion to one.
So, tell us ... How will your pet bird take over the world?