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All Your Paper Belongs To Me

By Tori the Lovebird

 Lutino peach-faced lovebird Tori makes her demands for BIRD TALK magazine

My name is Tori. That’s T-O-R-I, and it is not short for Victoria. To Editor Laura Doering, I have a pink face. I am a lutino peach-faced lovebird, not a lutino orange-faced (peach-faced) lovebird. My personal assistant, Jessica Pineda (associate editor), will no longer be correcting you on this.

You may be wondering why I am writing this month’s editorial note. Laura has been locked out of her office, after my clever ploy of distracting her with the sweet potato fiasco in Jessica’s cubicle. You see, I had to take over this editor’s note. It was about all these human-specific articles, with tips for keeping the cage clean and how to soundproof with plants. Ahem, might I point out this is BIRD TALK magazine, not HUMAN SPEAK magazine? I am on the cover, and I declare those articles as useless as wax paper. I cannot chew wax paper; therefore, it has no use to me, or any reason to be at the bottom of my cage.

First off, keeping the cage clean? Are you mad? I work diligently, day-after-day, to make my cage as messy as possible. That is my job as a bird. Also, my job is to be noisy, so why would you soundproof me with plants? And I can’t even chew on those plants? What use is a plant if you can’t tear it up?

As for the memo to African greys, Parker and Pepper ... I have one for you: Eat your memo, and tuck it into your rump feathers. That is what paper is for, dear cousins (twice removed). Your compliance will be noted by the amount of shredded paper that you leave at the bottom of your cage.

After the editors rejected my article ideas — “Chew This!” and “Why Peach Faces Rule!” as well as my cover blurbs “Scream Louder!” and “Tips & Tricks For Destroying Your Cage (and getting a new one to replace it)” — I couldn’t take it anymore. I would like to point out that not only am I the cover bird, I also grace the table of contents and one of the main articles. How could you not see how my articles would have made this issue pop?

If you wish to ever see my pink face on the cover of this magazine again (Vanity Fair, here I come!), first we need to rewrite my model-release contract. It just can’t be on the original contract; I chewed it up into tiny little strips.

1. For photo shoots, I am allowed to chew on the paper backdrop.

2. You will tape down all props. No one said that paper towel was going to start rolling with me on it, or that I would have to do the paper towel version of the log-roll. And I hope to goodness that the video footage doesn’t end up on the internet. (Editor's note — Check it out here!)

3. All props must be color-coordinated to flatter me. Colors I will not accept include: Masked black and Fischer’s orange.

4. Employees are not allowed to touch my cage. Even when you think I am not looking, I know you are touching my cage. I have eyes on the side of my head, after all.

5. This cover — and all of my future covers — will be framed and labeled as “Best Cover Ever.”

I expect these demands to be met with no issues. For the rest of you … Read the issue and marvel in my lovebird glory.

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