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Pooping On The Dog

Management requests that African greys Parker and Pepper refrain from pooping on the dog.

Patricia Sund

Illustration by Krystly Cullins/I-5 Publishing Memo: To Parker & Pepper
Dept: African Greys
From: Management
Subject: Pooping On The Dog

It has come to my attention that you have been attempting to poop on the dog. This must cease immediately!

Unfortunately, I am not able to accuse anyone in particular because I have not caught you, so I have no idea who has the better aim and timing: Parker or Pepper. What I do know is that if I find one more parrot poop on that poor dog’s head, there will be poop to pay.

What I have observed is the following: Mattie cruises around looking for snacks under your playgyms after you have finished tossing your food around like it was bird seed at a wedding. Occasionally, she’ll find something tasty that you’ve thrown overboard, rather than consumed. (That’s up to you. I only prepare your meal. I can’t make you eat it, but I only try to serve you healthy meals. Talk about ungrateful … but that’s another memo.)

While she is busy sniffing and selecting, I see one of you climb down to the edge of your playgym, hover your tail over the edge and attempt to nail her. The problem is I’ve never seen you "follow through,” so to speak.

Oh, I have plenty of evidence. I realize Mattie is a slow mover and doesn’t present much of a challenge. Trying to hit Mattie with your poop isn’t exactly like playing a fast video game. It’s more like throwing cooked linguini at a wall. How could you possibly miss? I know Mattie is at least 11 years old and she’s about as interesting as watching paint dry, but she’s a good little Shih-Tzu and doesn’t deserve to be pooped on. Mattie doesn’t bother either of you. She’s asleep half the time, and she spends the other half of her time looking for a place to nap.

You two are acting like teenaged kids out on Halloween night. If you thought about it long enough and had access to the supplies, you’d probably be throwing eggs at her, draping her with toilet paper and spraying her with shaving cream.

Well that’s just not nice. Mattie is a rescue and has had a tough enough time without you pelting her with your poop. She has problems of her own, like finding a new and interesting place to nap that’s out of the line of fire or attempting to con me out of my lunch. If I find any more poops on Mattie’s person, I will dock each of you one almond. I think that is a fair and equitable "wake-up call.”

In the meantime, perhaps you can put your spare time to better use when you are not preening or messing around with your toys, and find something else to do other than ganging up on her. For instance, Parker, why don’t you use some of that free time you are currently using trying to poop on Mattie’s head to work on learning your colors? Although you have yellow and green down solid, you are experiencing difficulty with "Blue.” May I suggest you begin working on this rather than attempting to pelt Mattie?

While we all enjoy having fun, there is a time and a place for it. I expect immediate compliance with this request and have designated Mattie as an ambulatory "No Poop Zone.”

Your cooperation is appreciated.

 — Management 

Read more Memos to Parker & Pepper here.

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Posted: December 5, 2013, 1:00 p.m. PDT

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